I think my sister is having an affair with my fiancé. I was tidying his study when I found her undergarments behind his ghetto blaster. Im supposed to marry him in three weeks. What sould I do ?
Fear not. Simply take the ghetto blaster to your local appliance store and trade it in as a deposit for a 20-watt stand-alone bass woofer match with 4 unit mid-range treble speaker system. Your fiancé and your sister will be delighted with the improvement in sound quality .
Dear Uncle,
My son is obsessed with Manchester United. He missed his father's funeral to watch the final on TV. When we came home from cemetery, he was dancing with joy over a goal. It was most inappropiate and the mourners were deeply shocked.
- Despairing Widow
Dear Despairing Widow,
You have a serious problem here. No person in his right mind would celebrate a goal that was so obviously off-side. The ref must have been totally blind. Ask you son to check the action replays and he will see the final was stolen from AC Milan.
Dear Uncle,
20 minutes after my son Jason went to school, a message popped up for him on the family computer. His teacher wants to meet him after school at a hotel. She signed it "smoochykins." He is 17, and she is 30. What sould I do ?
-Concerned Mother
Dear Concerned Mother
I understand your concern. Instant message programs should automatically log out after 5 minutes of inactivity. Upgrade to version 7.0 to prevent this problem recurring.
Dear Uncle,
My mother-in-law constantly complains scornfully about every item of food and drink I ever serve. Everything is too hot or too cold. My husband always sides with her. His disloyalty is driving me to drink.
-Wit's End
Dear Wit's End
Since you have been driven to drink, you will quickly notice that pale beers and lagers taste best at 7 degrees Celcius, while amber beers should be served at 12 degrees and dark stout at 15 degrees. Ensure a copious supply of beers at correct temperatures and watch all complaints vanish.
Dear Uncle,
My husband bought a home security video system last year. I came home early yesterday and noticed it showed two people kissing in the back garden. Although the picture was fuzzy and grainy, I realised it was my husband and my neighbour. We have been married for 18 years. What should I do ?
-Broken-Hearted Wife
Dear Broken-Hearted Wife
This problem is easily fixed. Use a high impedance cable, set the resolution to "High Definition" and get an accelerated graphics card. Fuzzy and grainy images will be a thing of the past, and you will get crystal clear images from your back garden.
Dear Uncle,
My husband spent the money we had saved for our children's education on a Rolex watch. He says it is vital for his image. But surely he has done wrong ?
-Penniless Housewife
Dear Penniless Housewife
Yes, your husband has done something wrong. Look him in the eye and say: "Rolex so yesterday. James Bond wears an Omega. Why did you not consider buying an Omega?" ( This answer is sposored by Omega watches.)
By Nuri Vittachi
